Being Pregnant aka Demi Moore can Kiss My Ass

When people talk about having babies, the focus seems to stay on the horror of labor and delivery. But I'm here to say that pregnancy itself is no picnic. Now, I am definitely not a hippie, earth mothery, Angelina Jolie type, nor am I the sexy-and-I-know-it Demi Moore type, so I'm not well positioned to enjoy the "blessing", "joy", "mystery", etc. that is pregnancy. Yes, sometimes feeling the baby move around is pretty awesome, but then again, sometimes it's just a giant pain (figuratively and literally).

Anyway, here are a few things I didn't know before I was pregnant:

you can actually feel your pubic bone....
.................................................the sciatic nerve causes a quick, dramatic, paralyzing pain
said pain can jump from one butt cheek to the other.....
the difference between not sleeping and being unable to sleep is important
the difference between not going #2 and being unable to go #2 is important, dramatically important......
....bathroom stalls are very small....
..............................................................swollen feet look ridiculous.....
and it is difficult to repress the desire to poke at the bubbly tops of them.....
a baby will actually try to escape out of the upper stomach area, butt first, which is very uncomfortable due to spreading ribs and displaced organs
YOU CAN FEEL YOUR PUBIC BONE (not good, not good at all, at all)
.............................a stomach can be a hazard when trying to shave the bikini area....
belly buttons are not meant to be kicked from the inside...
you can actually function on getting no more than 1.5 hours of sleep at a time....not well, but it's possible...
....hunger can actually wake you up in the middle of the night despite the fact you ate enough for a small army the day before.......
baby brain is an actual disease which can make it difficult to even remember your own name.....
...................................being able to sleep on your back and stomach is necessary.....
....rolling from one side to the other in bed requires muscles you didn't even know you had (and hurt when pregnant)....
....the fatter you get the more people will tell you how "cute" you look for a pregnant woman...
.........................others just continually tell you how huge you are....
people who have never been pregnant think they know more than you do about being pregnant....
...people who have been pregnant think they know more than doctors about being pregnant....
...the world smells bad...
...............................................you can actually pee 5+ times in single hour...
there is no quantity of lotion to prevent stretch marks......
the stomach is not the only thing to get bigger (feet, hands, hips, thighs, breasts (and not in a sexy porn star kind of way), wrists, ankles and calves, I'm pretty sure even my toes are bigger)......
...........................you can feel like you have to pee RIGHT NOW but then produce nothing more than a non-relieving drop......
.............and finally, ladies and gentlemen, you can feel your freaking pubic bone. and it hurts. and said pain prevents you from moving in a normal way such as lifting your legs to put on pants, walking in a non-penguin fashion, rolling over in bed, getting out of bed, getting off the couch, lowering down to and raising up from the toilet seat,

I'm not necessarily complaining (okay, maybe just a little bit). I'm just fascinated by the whole experience (in the way you'd be fascinated by watching the video screen while you get a colonoscopy, not fascinated like you'd be if you suddenly developed supernatural powers). One of my co-workers actually said she thinks the ninth-month of pregnancy sucks so magnificently so that women are actually looking forward to pushing that 10 lb sack out a space they are pretty sure was not actually designed for the purpose (despite what everyone says).

But I'm in the homestretch. At 37 weeks, The Floppy Alienette is considered full-term, and I'm starting the countdown for when she'll exit my rather frustrated body.